Have you ever turned in a report and your boss received it but says he/she didn’t get it? Does a coworker say nasty, cruel things just out of earshot? Ever have a coworker blatantly lie to your face even though you both know what’s true?
Your nasty coworker is gaslighting at work and you are his victim.
What is Gaslighting At Work?
Gaslighting is a manipulative psychological tactic in which a “gaslighter” (person or group) induces another person to doubt their own sanity, judgment, or memory.
The “gaslighter” will say and do things to create a narrative that obscures the truth; such as withholding information, providing false information, or making the individual feel belittled or otherwise inferior.
This forces others to question their minds, motives, perceptions, and inner sense of knowing, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
Gaslighting Where Does It Come From?
The term originates from the movie of the same name, “Gaslight,” in 1944 featuring Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer, and Joseph Cotten.
A woman’s husband drives her insane because he persists with a false narrative about what she knows to be true, yet he insists it’s not. Scary…
(We don’t want to spoil it for you, just go watch the movie if you want to know more!)
7 Signs of Gaslighting at Work
Wondering how to identify a gaslighter at work? Here are the few common signs of gaslighting at work to help to identify a gaslighter so you can either avoid them or even deal with them smartly!
- Intentional Denial
- Cruel and Foul Speech
- The Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde Act
- Blatant and Unapologetic Lying
- Constantly Fighting to Prove Yourself
- Deliberate Unequal Treatment
- Easy to Offend or Become Defensive
1. Intentional Denial
One of the biggest ways people gaslight others is by intentional denial. It’s not quite lying but they do omit the truth outright. This is most common when you hand in a report, project, or other assignment and the gaslighter says they never received it. They say this although you both know you handed it in.
Another example is how you know you had a discussion with the gaslighter about potential ideas for the company. The gaslighter then goes to your boss with the ideas as if they were his/hers. When you confront your boss and the gaslighter, you look like a jealous fool because there is no proof that they’re yours.
There are many more examples of how this could go. But, in most cases of gaslighting, there will be some degree of intentional denial. This will make the gaslighter always look good and put them in a positive light while turning on a dark cloud over the people they manipulate.
2. Cruel and Foul Speech
Another way people gaslight is by saying mean, foul, and cruel things to their coworkers. The gaslighter will do this to their face or just within earshot. Which one it is will depend on what the gaslighter knows and what he/she can get away with. Whenever someone can’t prove or show evidence for their behavior, that’s the road they’ll take.
A classic form of this, however, is how they say sexist, racist, and/or bigoted things under their breath. When asked or confronted about what they said, they will act like they didn’t say anything at all. Some will go as far as to get defensive and accuse their accuser of hallucinating (or other such things).
3. The Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde Act
One of the worst ways a gaslighter causes utter distress is the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde act. This is when a person is nice and friendly to your face, acting like your best friend. However, the moment you aren’t around, they berate, insult and chastise you.
The biggest red flag for this is when they are overly nice, helpful, or lavishing with praise. To illustrate, let’s say you are wearing a cute red sweater, and the gaslighter gasps with amazement and showers you with compliments. They then turn around and tell another coworker how it looks awful with your eyes and skin tone.
Unfortunately, this is a common way child gaslight each other. So, when an adult does it, it’s rather immature and juvenile. This is especially true when they get other coworkers to go along with their false narratives.
4. Blatant and Unapologetic Lying
While blatant and unapologetic lying could fall under the category of intentional denial, they aren’t quite the same. This is because there are two ways in which this can manifest itself.
The first is when the gaslighter outright lies about where they’ve been although you both understand the truth. For example, they know you want the report by 5 pm but they’ve been at lunch for the last three hours. You know this because you saw them in the café yet they emphatically state they had an emergency.
The other is when you step out of your office or cubicle. Upon returning, you notice someone’s been in your space. Someone rearranged items or stole something from your desk. The most common example of this is when people bring their lunch or snacks to work, put them in the fridge and someone else takes it.
5. Constantly Fighting to Prove Yourself
There are times when you may feel like you are always fighting to prove your worth and value with another at work. This could be a boss or a coworker with seniority over you. It seems no matter what you do, it’s never good enough and they always have harsh criticism for everything you produce.
Additionally, you may never fully understand what they expect of you and they never quite explain or detail what they’re looking for. Ergo, it feels like the equivalent of pushing a cart up a hill sideways but it’s muddy and full of stones.
The gaslighter does this intentionally to trip up other people to ensure failure. This way the gaslighter can create a narrative that’s more like a self-fulfilling prophecy than focusing on what’s actually true.
6. Deliberate Unequal Treatment
Sometimes, those higher on the totem pole will exude deliberate unequal treatment for some employees and favor others. Let’s say there’s a meeting or email invite and they conveniently fail at notifying you about the upcoming discussion. When the date arrives and you don’t show up, you receive a reprimand.
What makes it worse is how the gaslighter will say they sent it to you, which adds insult to injury because there is no such notification anywhere.
7. Easy to Offend or Become Defensive
Regardless of any of the other six signs of gaslighting at work mentioned above, the biggest telltale symptom is the ease with which they become offended or defensive. This usually happens when you attempt to call them out on their actions, words, and behaviors.
The gaslighter will insist what you say isn’t so and turn it around on you in some fashion. For instance, you heard the gaslighter say something nasty about the girl leaving their office. You ask them about it and they become angry, telling you what a horrible person you are for making such an accusation.
How to Deal With a Gaslighting Coworker
If you find that any of these seven signs of gaslighting at work apply to your situation, there is something you can do about it. Because they insist on being sneaky and underhanded in some way, you must become a strong beacon of truth and light.
Call Them Out
Don’t be afraid to call these people out when you catch them attempting to gaslight. The reason why they do it in the first place is that they know they get away with it. So, you have to be the wall of prevention by developing a thick skin against it.
Provide Solid Proof
However, they know there’s no proof and evidence of their behavior. This is where you can get them in the jugular. Make meticulous notes, acquire documentation, recordings, and photos and even turn on a video camera. When you call them out on their manipulative tactics, have solid evidence to back it up.
This is because you should understand that the gaslighter bases their tactics around total and complete denial. Do not give them an opportunity to deny what they did or skirt responsibility.
Don’t Stoop to Their Level
Having said that, you shouldn’t stoop to their level to get evidence. Be honest about it. For example, when you hand in a report or project, turn a video camera on before you hand it in. Show the report or project and display your physically taking it to the gaslighter. Tell them you are recording for documentation purposes.
Also, if you see them at a café knowing their report is due at 5 pm, take a photo of the gaslighter and let them see you taking it. Ensure the date and time are visible for the image (or easily locate the metadata if using a smartphone).
Getting Them to Stop
While some of these suggestions may seem punitive, they aren’t. Yes, it is tedious to take notes and document every interaction with a gaslighter. But, it’s the only way to save your own hide and get them to stop their behavior. When negative people understand that they can’t get away with gaslighting, they will stop.
It will take some time for your efforts to take hold. But, it will happen; you just have to be as patient and persistent as they are.
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